Dear Boyfriends,
Girlfriends and Spouses of Aspiring Artists,
So you fell in love with an artist,
or think you did, congratulations!
Artists – and here I use the term broadly meaning painters, sculptors,
musicians, photographers, writers, poets or just about anyone else who identifies
as an artist – are great people but we also tend to be moody and emotional
dreamers who sometimes either can’t or won’t play by the general rules of
society. Dating or being married to an artist is not always easy, especially
since most people who embrace the lifestyle are neither rich nor famous. That said, if you are the type of person that
requires financial security, the type of person who rates income above self
satisfaction and creativity then I strongly recommend that you reconsider your
relationship. Don’t marry someone just because
they make you knees week if you cannot totally accept their income level or the
fact that they are only partially – if at all - grounded in reality. Now,
despite the fact that many artists are a long way from being rich, and some are
so dedicated to their craft they might even be considered poor, when artists
speak of needing support from a significant other odds are they are speaking
not about financial support but emotional support. For a non-artist this might
seem rather peculiar, but I promise you taking an interest in your significant
other’s work will mean much more than taking him or her out to dinner. Writing a check is easy, investing time in
someone else’s dream is not. If you are
involved with an artist make it a priority to know what her current project
is. What is the inspiration behind the
project? Who is she seeking to
reach? What does she hope to
achieve? Ask questions even if you are
bored to death of the topic. Trust me,
this will help prevent a chasm from developing between you. Haven’t you noticed
how much your husband’s eyes light up and glow every time he discusses his new
idea? Allow him to dwell at least
momentarily in that blissful realm where everything is possible and all things are
beautiful. When your girlfriend finishes
her second draft of a novel ask to read it.
When your boyfriend is showing is work locally, make a point of going to
see it. If your boyfriend is new to the
game, he will need to know that someone cares about what he is doing. You’d be surprised how much it means to
struggling poet when someone says, “Hey, can I read something you wrote.” And whatever you do, never dismiss your wife’s
work because you don’t understand it.
Yes, artists often reside on a different plane and see things
differently than the average person, that doesn’t make their work bad, it just
means you might have to think a little harder than you want to. If her work is confusing, be honest and state
how you feel but don’t do so in a dismissive tone, instead choose words that will
encourage dialogue. Hey, if you find her
work confusing, someone else may as well and in talking and explaining it to
you, it may better enable her to present it to the public or re-craft it in a
way that is more accessible. Whatever
you do, never discuss your husband’s work in terms that can be perceived as
dismissive or diminutive. Statements to
friends such as, “All he ever wants to do is fiddle around with his paints,”
can be hurtful and insulting. He takes
his work seriously and, if you truly love him, you should too. Before making a comment about all the time your
girlfriend spends reading, all the down time she has to do something relaxing,
are you sure she is reading for pleasure?
Or are those books you continuously see her with part of a larger
project, research so to speak, to enhance her work? In fact, any statements about “doing
something fun and relaxing” are probably best left unsaid, especially in
regards to time spent painting, sculpting, writing, etc. Yes, artists enjoy their work, most of us
wouldn’t bother if we didn’t, but there is nothing relaxing about spending
every spare moment trying to reach what you feel to be your potential. The process of creating, no matter how good
we are, is not easy. It takes energy,
lots and lots of energy, to produce on paper or in a studio exactly what you
have envisioned in your head. Lastly,
unless you really want to drive a knife into your partner’s soul, never tell
him or her that something he or she has created sucks. And never, under any circumstances - even if your
husband is in throws of a deep depression because his work is not selling or
being recognized - never encourage him to quit. An artist’s world is often
filled with rejection or lack of acknowledgement; they don’t need it from you
as well. When the world criticizes or
ignores your wife’s work, what she needs to hear most are words of
encouragement, reasons why she needs to keep going despite the current lack of
interest in her work. And no, not
everything your husband produces will be stellar, but you don’t have to be
blunt about it. Honesty can come in many
forms and it never hurts to be kind.
Instead of pointing out what you find disturbing, lacking or incomplete,
perhaps camouflage your criticism with possible suggestions on what you think
would make a particular project better. Always remember, an artist’s work is an
extension of himself and when you reject his work, you are in essence rejecting
him.
Best,
EJ
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